Life involves change...

change involves loss...loss involves death of one kind or another. That is a quote from my homework in Beth Moore's Breaking Free bible study. It's totally God's timing to be doing this study right now and specifically this week, which is "Binding up the Brokenhearted." In 2 Corinthians 4:11 it says "For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body." She continues to say - Every time we are delivered over to a death of any kind, we encounter a challenge to allow the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake. We accomplish this task by allowing His life to be revealed in our mortal bodies. Our Savior is the God of resurrection life, no matter what kind of death has occurred in the life of any believer! (Beth Moore)

That is what I'm doing right now. I'm allowing Christ to bind up my broken heart so that I can experience joy and abundance in Him again! And to possibly help someone else someday going through the same thing!

First off, I wanted to apologize for posting a couple of times in the last two weeks and not really explaining what had happened. I figured most of you who read this would have heard, but not all of you had. I just wasn't ready to share the details. It's been two weeks since Jason and I went to the doctor for the 12 week ultrasound. Jason wasn't able to make it to the 8 week one - he was having surgery that same day. I went by myself, and heard and saw the heartbeat! So I was very shocked when our doctor could not find a heartbeat two weeks ago. It was my worst nightmare and a horrible experience to go through. My doctor explained to me that it was not my fault and that these things just happen sometimes for different reasons. I knew in my heart that God had a reason for wanting this baby up in Heaven with Him, but it was hard to think about that during that time! My doctor explained that I'd have to have a D&C and told me what would happen. I could barely concentrate on what she was saying. She asked if I had any questions and I said, "I'm supposed to fly to Michigan tomorrow - can I still go?" Obviously, I wasn't thinking very straight. :>)

This loss of our baby came at a hard time because my grandpa has been sick back in Michigan. He was diagnosed with dementia and wasn't doing well at all. We weren't even sure if he was going to make it. I decided to book a flight home to see him and spend time with him. Max and I were supposed to fly out the day after my ultrasound. Well, obviously plans had to change. That was hard because I was so ready to see my family and my grandpa. Jason assured me that day that he'd go home with me - I was so happy.

I had the D&C the next morning because I knew I'd need time to recover before we'd be able to travel. I definitely wasn't prepared for what I experienced. Physically, it wasn't too bad, but emotionally it was SO HARD. I just cried and cried - couldn't help myself! Our friend and pastor, Ben, came to pray with us beforehand and stayed through the surgery. I remember his prayer...it was so simple - no fancy words like I sometimes think prayers need to have - he just thanked God for loving us and being near to us. That was it. But it was so good to hear that. I was very thankful he came. I could definitely feel God there with me that day. I also think he sent an "angel" to be with me that day. His name was Gary and he kept coming over and holding my hand in the pre-op room. He even asked if he could pray for me and prayed one of my favorite verses - Romans 8:28. WOW. I was so comforted when I went in the operating room. He even found me afterward and held my hand again. I told him thank you over and over again, and that he was my angel that day. He just smiled at me and said everything's going to be ok. :>)

I'm so thankful for Jason's family being so close and the love that they showed me afterward. They brought dinners and helped us out with anything. My sweet friends stepped in immediately and helped make some meals. I felt so loved and am so thankful for each one of them! We WERE able to go to Michigan after all. After I was feeling better and everything, we decided to cancel my flight and drive together to Michigan. We left last Wednesday and stayed until this past Monday. I was so glad to still get to go. I will share pictures from that trip in another post.

I've been so touched by everyone's cards, flowers, and kind words! I have been praying and praying that God's peace would transcend my understanding and would guard my heart and mind in Christ! It's been tough, I can say. Some days I feel like I'm doing really good and moving on, and other days I'm crying when I see a mom with her toddler and she's pregnant. Or I hear about another friend of mine who's pregnant. That makes it hard...I have to remember that my peace is not based on whether or not I'm pregnant. That's why that verse from above is so important! I know that things will get easier over time and God will heal our hearts. (He already started!) I read that we can't compare losses...that anything that breaks our heart is a legitimate reason for seeking the healing that only Christ can bring. But I do believe that it could have been much worse. I know of so many others who've been through worse.

For now, I (and anyone else who's been through a similar experience) can just trust the sovereignty of our Heavenly Father! Love you all.